Hunger Pains and Powder Games

Time you say has slowed. But, you jump from perch to perch around the room, devoid of any serenity. I hold still, as if spotted in a fish bowl by the feline's hungry eyes. You stare without emotion, plotting my demise....too lazy to pounce but satisfied that I'd be yours if you let instinct rule your mood.  I stare back, searching for compassion...a circle of golden shimmer to show my worth. But, you've moved on...licking your wounds, reminded of why you hiss and scratch. Searching, searching for a reason to lie still and let the love seat's soft cover transport you to kinder worlds. But, you feel betrayed by its patronizing offer, to drain you of your fearsome poise. You move again so as to escape its seductive though pricey offer.  You're not ready to let go. But, all eyes grow heavy with  time and witness. So, you find a way to prick your perceptions back to life...whip the body, shock the mind, burn the nose, drown the brain, pollute the lungs. You believe you've found the key to control every emotional door, every memory, every organized mental file of a frustrated life. Shaped like a lock pick, pointed columns of powder on a mirror which has only ever offered a ghostly reflection, a blurred reality that made you feel so in control, when in fact, without doubt you are its slave. "I'm different", you say. "I'm special. Can't you see it?" "No", I say. "You're dressed in the same arrogance and illusion as everyone else who's ever set out to dance with the devil. "I barely recognize you now", I say with a teary tremble usually reserved for eulogies and long goodbyes. You are all the good and kindness stripped away. You are the silver structure, beneath the shiny gold and diamonds. You are part of the whole...and therefore loved as part of the whole. But, alone....the peacock feathers you pretend to spread are shadows cast from arms lashing out to blissful tunes you barely hear and pretend complete your withered being. A finger can not disguise itself as a hand. And, here I am swimming and swimming, wishing you hadn't lost interest. They say there's nothing I can say. This is your game to lose alone. A magical escape you call it. At least you can embrace the lie. I'm lucid, but lost in my own helpless world, longing for a remembered touch and shocked at this moment to think I might be comforted by the best you have to give...an empty stare.

California Boy

I smell the ocean in your breath,

when you whisper on my ear,

a secret only you and I will share.

Your light blue blooms wink back at me,

against sun kissed, rolling crests,

that wave and dance in never ending pairs.

Those strong, broad palms spread over me,

A child in your soothing shade

That warm and cool in perfect, balanced care.

I too have brought a gift for you,

a fresh canvas washed in white

to pour on all the colours of your dreams

And on this virgin stretch of sand

I will listen for your song

And wander where the wonder’s meant to lead

Rebirth....

"Every person is born twice. The second time is when you earn your place among the people forever."

I am about to be reborn. And, I am finally starting to see why I subjected myself to the countless thrashing waves of an angry sea.... for as I stood and breathed on shore, feeding only on the fuel of ignorance and innocence, i could find no steady ground. There would be no rebirth without first a walk through the fire of transformation. So, I chose you to be my destroyer. I knew you would not hold back. You would not wipe away my tears with compassion. You would not hesitate to tear the flesh from my bone, to bleed the body and damn my soul, poisoning my every dying breath. But, now the trials have sounded their end. Rebirth is underway. You fed on my humility. But, it is I who now grows hungry for the wilds that lie ahead. I am not afraid. I will lead if even only one should follow. There is work to do. And, the fire continues to burn, extinguishable not by the fiercest of winds nor driving torrents of rain. This is the new world I have long sought and there will be no looking back.

Letter to a friend..

The path you're on is the only true real path. There is no other path. It is the culmination of every decision you have made to this point. It is the foundation for every decision you will make from this point forward. It is an expression of everything you are and aspire to be. There is no other path. It IS the path. It is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. Don't curse the road for the potholes or dwell on the faded yellow lines. You will miss the brilliant fall colours that dot the landscape. You will miss the cotton candy clouds that dance on a carousel of autumn wind.

The moment you accept that you are exactly where you need to be, you start to live this moment to the fullest. If you truly wish to be somewhere else, you will find your way there. But, to reject the here and now is to stop living in the moment...which is essentially to stop living, since we can only live in the here and now. To live anywhere else is to take yourself out of existence, to give up your consciousness and float in limbo.

If you conquer the little things, the bigger worries will take care of themselves. Pull the weeds and the flowers bloom higher. Do the little things that bring you joy and joy will find a home within you.

I know it is our nature to to worry, to feel at times helpless in a seemingly chaotic world. But, that is an illusion. We are whatever we choose to tell ourselves we are. Forget about changing the world, change the routine that wears you down and you will have begun a greater transformation.

Right now you have mobility, you have a place to stay. You have friends who would welcome you and support you. You have years of experience in your chosen field and health and time enough to choose another and begin again. You have family. You have the innocence of a child to absorb. talk to that child...see what makes him laugh and laugh with him. You have the beauty and tranquility of the countryside, absorb the lessons it has to teach. There is nothing stopping you from attaining anything you want but worry and self-doubt. And, it is in your power to reject both or embrace both and wallow in the misery they offer. Don't second guess others or have expectations of them. Just go with the flow and create joy. Go to the cottage and create fun. There is absolutely no reason to worry that someone isn't catering to your ego. That is counter productive to creating a mood of joy and fun. Reject the sensitivity as an outdated habit that allowed you to hide from the things you want most so you can later get attention by playing the victim. Reject being rejected and you will be the life of the party, even if you are outside watching the leaves while everyone inside gets drunk. It won't matter. You will have found a place in the group dynamic where you have found your own kind of joy. I say this to you out of love and friendship. Embrace the possibility, not the potential for disappointment.

The moment you accept that you CAN do anything, is the moment you will begin the anything that you choose to explore.

There is nothing wrong with the darkness the funk, the quiet. With out these, there could be no joy, no noise, no light. We are creatures of relativity. We are creators! So create. When you hit a wall, when you hit a block......punch through, go around, knock, or read a book and wait for the owner to come home. never think there is someone on the other side working against you. Even if there is...he/she has no power to stop you. There are a million different doors, and a million different answers. But, there is only one path. And, it is the path you are on. It is the path that you have chosen to walk. And, it is a glorious path. Smile. You are amazing!!!!

xxo
Billy

Notes On A Train

I can smell the ecstasy of creativity.

It is earthy, musky and yet, somehow sweet.

As I breathe it in, it coats my tongue and makes it moist.

Comfortable is almost as painful as chilled.

Squeezed by the weepy eyed grip of stability.

I can hear you....somewhere out there.

Dancing in the unseen world.

I don't know how to find you.

But, you seem closer when I close my eyes and when I let my thoughts float away.

Maybe you'll glow brighter when the lights outside have dimmed.

Our lips are bound to touch the same few frames of sky.

Darkest Before The Dawn...

What treasure lies within the dark,
caressed by only hope and faith.
a candy flavoured warm wet kiss,
yet born of unfamiliar face.

So little light shines on this day,
and choking on the dust of ruin
I"ll prey for gentle providence
for morrow's sweeter sounding tune

A New Year's Wish

Fill your heart with the hopes of tomorrow.

Find sure footing on the ground that offers joy.

Escape the never ending landslide of debris and disappointment

that comes from holding on to things best left behind.

Answer the call of those wish to include you in great new adventures.

Don't waste time pining for those who don't.

Begin the journey that leads to your dreams,

and savour every minute along the way.

Happy New Year! Best wishes for 2009!